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~AWARDS~
Best New Book of The Year 2007
Writer of the Year, 2000 & 2007
Honorable Mention Awkward
Romance Contest May 2006
All Time Best Award
Fanstory.com 2006
Finalist in Chicken Soup
Contest 2005
Distinguished Achievement
Award, 2005
2nd Place Photo Say More
Contest 2005
Top Story in Obadiah Contest 2002
2 Top Stories in Obadiah
Contest 2003
Diploma from Guideposts for
Teens, 2002
Merit Certificate from
Writer's Digest, 2000 & 2001
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"STAY PURE"
A Monthly E-Zine For Those Recovering From Addictive Behaviors
June 2003
"Break Free"
To All Fathers: Happy Father’s Day!
BE BLESSED AS YOU STAY PURE!
Psalm 119:9 "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living
according to your word."
by
Author & Founder
Elisabeth Freeman
copyright@2003, June
Feature Article: "A Bumpy Road To A Beautiful Place "
by Ron Hutchcraft
"A Mighty Man Of Valor" by Michael Hanna
"In Times Of Despair" by Robert
Loring
Touching Story: "Scars" author unknown
"God Is At The Window" author unknown
"A Little Girl And The Jesus Man" A Poem
By R. Adam Quigley
"Tell Everyone" Insight From Bill Bright
The Laughing Corner: A few short jokes…
Remember, laughter is the best medicine… A merry heart doeth good like a
medicine! Prov. 17:22
Helpful Sites:
http://www.porn-free.org and
http://www.no-porn.com
Now there’s a 12 step program for those who
have or are concerned about HIV… HIV Anonymous… email is
info@hivanonymous.com
Lannie Self is back on the web with his help page for those struggling
with addiction. For more information, click here…
http://www.geocities.com/lannie307/restoration_fellowship.htm
Another new help site: Husbands For Healing
http://www.husbandsforhealing.com/
***The Bible tells us that "people perish for lack of vision". Don’t perish,
get a vision of healing and learn how to BREAK FREE FROM THIS STRANGLING
ADDICTION!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New E-Books Available!!!
To Help All Who Are
Affected By This Demon Of Pornography:
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Sexual Addiction"
~SAVE NOW~
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Also available in
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"She Said, He Said, God Says"
Marriage in Trouble?
Porn got a grip on you or
your spouse?
Be set FREE today!
Read More...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Huge "Thank You" To ALL Our New Writers!!!
ATTENTION!!! ***We
NEED More Talented Writers… for things
such as poetry, singles, overcoming struggles… if you have something you’d like
to share, please email me at
atime2heal@chartermi.net
Feature Article:
The Bumpy Road to a Beautiful Place
by Ron Hutchcraft
Transcript #4258 | Deuteronomy 1:19
When I told our kids that we were going to Buttermilk Falls, I could expect
two equally sincere reactions - "Oh good!" ... "Oh no!" See, the "oh good" part
was because it was just one of the "coolest" places in our area to go - there
was this high, cascading waterfall, tucked in a remote place that few people
knew about, magnificent to look at and it was fun to hike around. The "oh no"
part was because of the road to get to this special spot. Think moonscape -
potholes big enough to swallow an old Volkswagen. You couldn't avoid these
craters - they were everywhere. So you went about as slow as a car can go,
bracing yourself for big bump after big bump. And then you were there. And it
was great!
I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "The
Bumpy Road to a Beautiful Place."
You know, lots of life's beautiful places are accessible this very same way - by
means of a bumpy road. Maybe you're traveling one of those hard, even painful,
bumpy roads right now. I imagine some people never made it to the majesty of the
falls because the bumpy road made them decide to turn back - a temptation that
may have occurred to you on your road. But any member of our family can tell you
it was worth the trip. We did, in fact, go back multiple times, knowing full
well that the process was not going to be fun. It's kind of like labor in that
regard - a painful process every birth mother goes through, with a beautiful
result that lasts a lifetime. And, often, she'll go back and do it again.
Our word for today from the Word of God may be a picture of the journey you're
on right now. In Deuteronomy 1:19, God says to His ancient people, "We set out
from Horeb (that's Mt. Sinai) ... through all that vast ... desert." That could
be where you are right now - traversing one of life's "vast and dreadful
deserts." But that's not the end of the story. Listen in Deuteronomy 1:21 to
where that desert journey led: "See, the Lord your God has given you the land.
Go up and take possession of it, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, told you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
That's what the desert road, the bumpy road can do to you - make you afraid,
make you discouraged - unless you focus on your Lord instead of your load, or on
the result more than on the process. The bumps can make you wonder if you're
even on the right road - which you are, if God led you on it. The long, hard
ride can leave you confused and hurting from all the bumps, all focused on
yourself. If you're not careful, you will turn around and leave the road God put
you on - the road that ultimately leads to the Promised Land that He wants to
give you.
But it doesn't feel very much like Promised Land now. It's just downright bumpy.
What a tragedy, though, if you went through this painful process and bailed out
before the beautiful result. The desert, the bumpy road are all part of the
Plan. It's in the wilderness that you, like God's people of old, see Red Seas
part and water come from rocks and manna come from heaven. It's on the hard road
that you get rid of the junk that's keeping you from God's best, that you are
forced to abandon all self-reliance and to learn total reliance on your Lord.
That's when you're ready for your Promised Land.
So don't doubt in this darkness what God has told you in the light. There is no
Promised Land without a wilderness. There is no new life without the pain of
labor. There is no Easter Morning without a Good Friday. Yes, this is a very
bumpy road. But it leads to a very beautiful place if you don't turn back.
Copyright © 2003 Ron Hutchcraft.
Mighty Men Of Valor
by Michael Hanna
To be a man of pure heart these days is difficult, for the bait a sexuality
is all around us. The cover of magazines are covered with beautiful women,
wearing almost nothing, as they stair sensuously into the camera. TV shows and
advertisements also add to the fire that burns inside of us. This world has made
it a man’s duty to be an uncontrollable sexual animal. As if we were only driven
by our instincts, and not by our spirits. However, these things only leave us
with shame and separate us from God, because no sin can share space with him.
You ether have to love one, and despise the other, or completely cut off one and
live with the other. Ether way it is a choice we have to make.
For me it was a choice, for sex is a thorn in my side. I would stay up late
at night and surf free porn sites. The images would burn themselves into my
head, and I could not turn away. No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep
myself from it, and I knew it was wrong. However, those thoughts were soon
overshadowed with the sin, and my mind would only concentrate upon it. Then when
it was all over, the shame would come back, but then the lust would hunger
again, and I would find myself back to sin again.
I was never satisfied, I kept hungering for more and more. It started
affecting my sexual relationship with my wife, for I wanted what I seen taking
place in pornography, but it was degrading to her. In pornography women are used
as objects of desire, and mere toys for men’s pleasure. This is wrong, and God
said something to me, that really made me think twice. He said: "When you look
upon a woman in lust, know that she is someone whom I love, and needs to be
saved; not an object." This enters my mind every time I see a beautiful woman. I
know that she is someone who God loves, and she is someone who Jesus bought with
his own blood, and for me to look upon her as a mere toy, is only grieving the
Holy Spirit. For whom ever I look upon in lust, in my heart, I have committed
adultery with her, and I have defiled myself (a temple of the Most High God) as
well as my wife. To say it does not hurt to look is a lie, and a flaming arrow
aimed at our hearts; set out to steel, kill, and destroy.
Men, listen to me and know that the wicked will not inherit the Kingdom of
God, for it is written; "Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor
adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the
greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of
God (1 Cor 6:9-10). I myself had to realize this, and know that you can not put
new wine in old wine skins. No! When we acknowledged Jesus as our savior we were
then transformed into new creatures; no longer belonging to this world, but to
God. God has lifted us out of the cesspool of our former lives, and has
glorified us through Christ Jesus.
Am I saying that if we do not stop doing sin, then we are not saved? No!
Because Jesus said whoever the Father has given him he will never turn away, but
we can not serve to masters. Whatever controls you is your master, but as Paul
states in 1 Corinthians 6:12, I will not be mastered by anything. To be
controlled by the flesh is to die, to be controlled by God is to live; choose
now whom you will serve.
Shall we continue on with our old ways of life, and die as the curse has
promised, or shall we put to death our old ways, and glorify Jesus. We can not
glorify him if we continue to do wrong. No! This only hinders the Gospel, for
people will see and render in their own minds that there is no difference in
being saved than to be not saved. If living for God is to give into sin, then
why should they turn to God? No!
To have Christ is to have freedom, for whom the Son has freed is free indeed.
Does this mean we can be delivered from our thorns? Yes, but sometimes you have
to fight. If you loose, then get back up, and dust yourself off! If you loose
again, then get up and try again! Why give up? You cannot expect an instant
change, for we have to fight for what is right. It is written: "Our bodies are
not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body."
and it is also stated, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body (1 Cor 6:19)."
However do not get discouraged if you fall, because it is of no surprise to
God. If you sin, God already knew you would, and will provide you a way out. To
become discouraged is a trap of the devil to keep you from the benefits of
grace. There is absolutely nothing you can do to surprise the Lord! He knows our
weaknesses, and when you return to him, he will instantly greet you with open
arms. If you slip, he will lift you up. There is not a pit deep enough, that his
arm can not reach you to pull you out. There is not one sin that will make him
despise you, for he loves you unconditionally, and knows your heart. Just know
that when you sin, he already knew you would, and also know that the love of God
is full of mercy, gracious, kind, and considerate. Also know that he provides a
way out of every situation. If you are tempted, do not budge. Resist your
enemies, and they will flee. Will it be easy? No! But know that the longer you
resist, the easier it will become, and the stronger you will become in Jesus. It
is a race, and each runner undergoes strict training, so when their race begins,
then they will be able to do as they were trained to do. We are mighty men of
valor, standing for what is right; fighting to win, but even the mightiest of
men will fall. However, the ones that get back up and go again are the ones that
win the fight.
My brothers, do not let the enemy keep you down, but know that Christ is our
head, and we are his body, and all of Christ enemies have been made his foot
stool. Whatever is under his feet, is under our feet as well. Fight the good
fight, and never give up. If you fall get back up, and fight again. Keep going
until the enemy flees, and they will run, for if God be for us, then who can
stand against us. Who can stand against the mighty power of our God? No one!
In Times of Despair
by Robert Loring
It is so easy these days to fall into despair and become discouraged. It is
so easy for us to fall into the erroneous thinking that God has abandoned us or
that He really doesn’t care. Despair causes us to often doubt God, His wisdoms,
and His promises. When we fall into despair we begin to loose faith because
despair is the opposite of faith and where doubt dwells faith will not dwell
just as where faith dwells doubt cannot dwell.
When we fall into despair our thoughts often begin to echo something similar to
what the Psalmist echoed in the 77th Psalm. Like the Psalmist we begin to ask,
"Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has He in anger withheld His compassion?"
(Psalm 77:8-9). Yet, even though these thoughts run through our head we must
remember that God never forgets to show mercy and God never forgets to be
compassionate because God IS Love as the New Testament reminds us often.
Life on this earth can often become dark and cold. This is a world overflowing
with materialism and egotism. Ego is the "god" of this world and great numbers
of people today can't get beyond themselves or their possessions. These people
live by their egos (their "sinful selves") and they will often go to any lengths
of ruthlessness to get what they want even if it means destroying another
person's life. Those who follow the Way of Christ are often the victims of these
egotistical and ruthless people but this is not something new in our times
because this is the way it has always been. God's holy people have most often
been the one's to pay the highest price and to suffer the most in this world. We
must remember, however, that even though we are IN the world we are not OF the
world because no matter what we still belong to God.
Psalm 94 reminds us that when we feel we are slipping into despair we must
remember God's great love for us. God's love supports us through our times of
despair and even in such times God's love can console us and lift us up if we
allow it to. Psalm 145:4 reminds us, "The Lord upholds all those who fall and
lifts up all those who are bowed down."
In our times of despair what we need to remember is that God is our refuge. "The
Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of troubles" (Psalm
9:9). When troubles and tribulations seem to rage all around us and even engulf
us it is important that we remember to listen to God's voice because if we don't
then we simply open ourselves up to those things we face that are seeking to
destroy us and diminish our souls and faith. Even when it seems like life is
crashing down upon us we need to continue to realize that even in such times God
has not abandoned us nor has He left us to the wolves! We need to return to our
faith in such times and we need to find strength in God at such times and, in
fact, at ALL times.
Psalm 42 contains one of the greatest teachings in the Bible. It says, "Why are
you so downcast O my soul? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my
Savior and my God." So often in our lives we put our hope in the wrong things.
We make a great mistake when we put our hope in other people, in money, or in
anything else in this world. Our hope belongs no where else except in God and if
our hope is not in God then we are setting ourselves up for even more despair.
God does not fail our hope but the world and the things of the world, including
other people, will most often fail our hope.
In times of despair instead of turning away from God and questioning our faith
what we need to do is to turn even more so towards God and we need to realize
that when we despair it is usually a signal that we have walked a little bit
away from God. God is Love. The opposite of Love is Fear. Ever wonder just who
fear might be? Despair is born of fear, not of Love.
We all have weaknesses and fear tends to prey upon our weakness just as this
world tends to exploit our weaknesses and fears. But, as Hebrews 4 reminds us,
we do not have a High Priest who is unsympathetic to our weaknesses because
Jesus faced the same despairs that we face and He overcame them. He understands
our weaknesses and our fears and He also understands that in times of weakness
and fear we need to draw closer to God instead of distancing ourselves from Him.
For, when we distance ourselves from God it only increases our fears and it only
empowers our weaknesses so they become even greater weaknesses.
God does not want us to be unhappy, contrary to popular opinion nowadays. God
does not want us to live lives filled with despair. God wants us to be close to
Him and to stay close to Him. God wants us to rely on Him and for us to allow
Him to be our refuge and strength especially in times of troubles and despair.
God wants the best for us in life and what most of us fail to realize is that
what we think is best for us, in God's eyes it may not be. God is a
compassionate and loving Father. God is an active and present Father. God is
anything BUT an absentee father! He has never left us abandoned to the wolves of
the world that seek to persecute and enslave us with fear and despair. In God we
find strength, comfort, mercy, guidance, and a refuge so strong that it is
beyond the fleeting wisdom and understanding of this world.
When the world grows dark and there seems to be no hope then that is the very
time in which you should move closer to God instead of away from Him. When life
seems so cold and cruel then these are the times when you should move closer to
God. And, when despair begins to set it should be a warning flag to you that
what you must do is stay close to God.
This world is overflowing with all kinds of pressures and temptations trying to
force us into being like the godless ego-worshipping people of this world. Often
it seems that the world will go to any lengths to entice us into the false ways
of the world. Even more often the world appears to go to any lengths necessary
to draw us away from God, to question our faith, and to even supplant our faith
with despair. Sin loves company and those who have chosen to live in sin by
worshipping their own egos and the things of this world love even more company.
In fact, they cannot stand it when you refuse to join their ranks and often they
will go to great lengths to sway you away from God and into their company. They
will even try to make you despair and loose your joy that you find in God. Yet,
you cannot give into them because you belong to God and even if you did join
their ranks you would still not fit into with them because there will always be
that part of you that was touched by God and that part of you will always remind
you that your true place is this life is not with the ego worshippers but with
the People of God, ALWAYS.
Don't give into despair. Realize that despair is a psycho-spiritual "weapon"
that fear uses in an effort to defeat you and to draw you away from God. Realize
that despair is NOT what God wants for you. Let it be a warning signal to you to
draw closer to God instead of distancing yourself away from Him. Put your hope
in God and keep it there because that is the only place that your hope ever
belongs. Realize that each and every time you put your hope somewhere else that
you are making a great mistake. This world and other people will fail you but
God will never fail you. Realize too that when you despair you may be asking
God, "Where were you when…" but that God is already asking you, "Where have you
been? Why did you not grow closer to Me when…?"
When the world…..when YOUR world….grows dark then what is needed is Light to
dispel that darkness. You will only find that Light when you make the conscious
choice in your life to return to God and let go of that despair which so
threatens to dominate, enslave, and conquer you.
"Scars" author unknown
Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided to go
for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into
the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt
as he went.
He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of
the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His mother, in the house
looking out the window, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In
utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could.
Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to
his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached her, the alligator reached him.
From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the
alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the
two. The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much
too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams,
raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his
arms, were deep scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh in
her effort to hang on to the son she loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he
would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious
pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms I have great scars on my
arms, too. I have them because my mom wouldn't let go."
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from
an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly
and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has
refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to
you.
The scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to
protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade
into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of
life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on
your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.
Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them.
Also, it is soooo important that we are not selfish to receive the blessings of
these messages without forwarding them to someone else.
Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them too
----- enough to not let them go.
God is at the Window
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given
a slingshot to play with - out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he
could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back to
dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the
head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead
duck in the woodpile, only to see his sister watching. Diane had seen it all,
but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Diane, let's wash the dishes."
But Diane said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the >kitchen."
Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Diane to help make supper."
Diane >just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he
wanted to help. "She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Diane went fishing
and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Diane's he finally
couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had
killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, Sweetheart, I know. You see, I
was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. But because I love you, I
forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Diane make a slave of
you.
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done and the devil keeps throwing
it up in your face (lying, debt, fear, hatred, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness,
pornography, etc.) whatever it is, you need to know that God was standing at the
window and He saw the whole thing, He has seen your whole life. He wants you to
know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long
you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that
when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets - It is
by God's Grace and Mercy that we are saved.
A Little Girl and the Jesus Man
By R. Adam Quigley
She lies on the cold dark street
Hardly a scarce scrap to eat
Crying, letting the tears run free
Innocent games really have fees
Life fell apart at home at age thirteen
The day her father died, she wasn't seen
Why did the Jesus Man let her go
Falling away to sin, starving her slow
Little Girl and the Jesus Man cry
Both giving away there lives
Why did he walk away
Leaving her feelings all in a stir
No Little Girl He didn't walk away
He's still there, remember you have to pray
Go home Little Girl, find your way
Remember the Jesus man is here to stay
A little Girl and the Jesus Man
Can we give them a helping hand
They are hungry give them food
Jesus died on the cross, love was proved
A Little Girl and the Jesus Man
Will you die on Calvary's sand
Grow up Little Girl see life's stage
Your name is written on life's page
Tell Everyone!
INSIGHTS from Bill Bright
A young woman stood before a judge. She was guilty of breaking the law
and the judge had to sentence her. The penalty was so stiff, however,
that there was no way she could ever pay it.
Sobbing in repentance, the young woman begged for mercy. The judge knew
that her cry for forgiveness was sincere, and he knew she could not pay.
So in an unprecedented act, he removed his robe, stepped down from the
bench, walked up to the bailiff and paid her fine.
The judgment against her was fair. She deserved to be punished, but
there was one thing different about this case: The judge was also her
father. He loved her so much that he paid the fine for her.
This tender act of a father for his child illustrates the love and
forgiveness shown by God to each of us.
As we stand before the great Judge of the Universe, we are all guilty
(Romans 3:23). We deserve any punishment that we may get, which is,
spiritually, the death sentence (Romans 6:23). By God's own standards,
we deserve capital punishment.
But this great and righteous Judge is also our heavenly Father, who is
rich in mercy. (Ephesians 2:4).
So, in effect, the Father's only begotten Son steps up and says, "I will
pay their fine for them," offering to take our punishment upon Himself.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone
who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not
send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it" (John
3:16-17, NLT).
This act of love and substitution is the most amazing and wonderful act
in all the universe and in all of history. The gift of divine
forgiveness and salvation are the greatest gifts in the universe. The
"good news" about this grace, or unmerited favor, is the greatest
message in the universe.
It is a free gift. Even though the wages of sin is death, "the free
gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23,
NLT).
We appropriate this great, free gift when we receive Jesus Christ, the
Son of God, as our Savior and Lord.
I am burdened by the many who have not yet heard this good news. That
is why "everywhere we go, we tell everyone about Christ." (Colossians
1:28, NLT).
The Laughing Corner: by Crosswalk.com
*Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline*
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just
once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
*New Convert Help*
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges,
but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.
He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would
be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a
list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any
financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the
community.
The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to
church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but
get these people back to church."
Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a
prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for
$1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity
at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial
contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will
never, by choice, miss worship again.
Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t"
in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"
FUNNY ****
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will
you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and
says.........."Well, two Wong's don't make a
white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.
*Horse Batter*
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race
horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this
point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at
the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home
plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells
at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run,
he'd be at Belmont!"
*Cure For Lateness*
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him
if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat
the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully
drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
*Rest In Peace*
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry,
you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place
today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on
your new location.'"
*No More 'Gators*
While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any 'gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the
'gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said.
"The sharks got 'em."
*Newlywed Breakfast*
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy
the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Scott the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
*Yes, We Have No Chocolate*
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of
chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery
truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice
cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN,
as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
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