"Stay Pure"

by

Author & Founder

Elisabeth Freeman

copyright@2003, November

I’m sure most of you have heard about the horrible fires going on in California. Aside from hearing reports on the news, I receive daily reports from an aunt who lives just an hour away from San Diego, which is one of the HOT SPOTS. And although she lives about 75 miles from where the raging blaze is taking place, she still has suffered many of the effects: smoke, ash, and a stench that she can’t rid.

Pornography and adultery are much like the fires in California. Even worse, because they can’t be contained and will spread more wildly and viciously than any fire one earth. And it does and will effect people all around us. The smoke of pornography loiters the streets of America today. In such a way, that even our children are being trapped. Magazines, TV shows, elicit commercials, erotic video covers, etc.

Just like the fires in California are out of control, so will our lives be, if we don’t get rid of the pornography. Pornography may seem hard to give up, but once you get to hell—that fire will never stop. So, why don’t you give it all over to God, and allow Him to consume your whole being. After all, He is our Consuming Fire—the fire that penetrates everything else in our lives—even pornography!

For better or worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish; 'til death do us part ...

What special memories come to mind when you read these words? Do the sights, sounds and smells of your wedding day come flooding back? Have those memories faded because of a deteriorating marriage, or are they still vibrant because you’ve committed your lives to each other?

Renewing love keeps your marriage fresh and allows each spouse to continue learning about the other even after decades of marriage. Let’s think of a marriage on the spectrum between a bouquet of roses and a rose bush. A bouquet of roses is beautiful for a period of time, but soon the roses wither and die. But a rose bush, given time, water and fertilizer, will continue blooming for years. A marriage with renewing love woven into its structure is like this rose bush.

Barb and I are constantly searching for clues as to why many marriages remain strong through the years while others crumble. You’ve seen them, the couples in their 80s walking hand-in-hand, laughing, talking, even after decades of marriage. So what do couples this late in life have to say about remaining committed to each other?

Here are the kinds of responses we’ve heard:

"Gary and Barb, we take time daily to listen to each other and learn what the other has experienced that day."

"It’s a little embarrassing, but Barney’s taught me that when I meet his sexual needs, he feels valued. When he prays with me, I feel so safe. When I spend time with him, he makes me feel like a million bucks!"

"Mildred often reminds me that my words of belief in her are the only words – next to God’s – she really needs to hear. So I learned to speak up. We’ve been married fifty-four years, and I think the marriage is going to take!"

These remarks warm our hearts, knowing that there are couples who have not only made it through marriage, but have developed healthy, vibrant ones. These couples are true mentors and role models for us all.

So how do we get to where they are? The very survival of your marriage depends on recognizing the scope of the promise made on your wedding day. Renewing love says with absolute conviction, "Divorce is not an option. We’re married for life." Barb and I have made a commitment to never use the word "divorce" in our marriage and we challenge you to do the same. On your wedding day, God glued your and your mate’s hearts together in a covenant to each other and to Him. The first step in making your marriage a divorce-proofed marriage is to commit to never walking away. Barb and I are serious about this. If you’re not perpetually experiencing renewing love, your marriage is in danger of heading in the wrong direction

Where you are in your marriage is important, but where you’re headed is even more crucial. So what will you do to build a divorce-proofed marriage? Knowing that divorce-proofing is a lifelong process, we have one word of advice: Start with renewing love. It will set all the other loves in motion. You need the divorce-proofing elements of forgiving love, serving love, persevering love, guarding love and celebrating love to make your marriage last a lifetime. But without a deep commitment to experience – and keep experiencing – these various expressions of renewing love, you’ll lack the confidence that your marriage can survive the pressures of the twenty-first century culture.

Do you think your "soul mate" is out there somewhere, that one individual who can complement you and fulfill you like no other? Is there one man or woman who is ideally suited to you? Is it your life’s task to find this mystery person?

Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion-either consciously or subconsciously-that there is only one perfect, preordained partner for them. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete.

This thinking is fueled by many Hollywood love stories in which a man and woman are united after a series of near misses and obstacles. At long last, they gaze deeply into each other’s eyes and embrace, usually amidst the swell of violins playing in the background or fireworks exploding overhead. And they know without a doubt that they-the two of them and only the two of them-were meant to be together.

For other people, religious faith fosters the one-perfect-person idea. We often hear the cliché, "It was a match made in heaven," implying that God hand-picked a particular man and woman to be joined together. If these two somehow goof and marry someone else, they have missed God’s perfect will.

I admit that this notion of locating just one soul mate is appealingly romantic. We love the quixotic notion that out of the millions of people in the world, my sweetheart and I were drawn together as if by some transcendent or supernatural magnetic force.

But, frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom. I don’t believe that you could only be completely and blissfully happy with one person to the exclusion of all others.

Before you call me unromantic and cold-hearted, let me hasten to say this should come as great news to singles looking for a partner. After all, I hear dozens of singles every week complain about how hard it is to find a suitable partner. And if there is just one individual waiting for you out there in the wide world, the search for each other could take a very long time. If, however, there is not a "one and only" partner, a whole range of possibilities opens up.

How did I come to conclude that the lone soul mate scenario is a fallacy? During my thirty-five years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they’d married "the wrong person," but who then went on to create top-notch relationships. Of course, I’ve also counseled many engaged or newlywed couples who were absolutely positive they had found their soul mate-only to file for divorce a few months or years later. What’s more, I’ve worked with hundreds of people who I knew could have been happily married to any number of people.

Today's workplace has become the No. 1 spot for married individuals to meet affair partners. More men and women are breaking their marriage vows by engaging in office friendships that slowly become romantic relationships ― relationships that would have been socially impossible just 20 years ago. As the boundaries that once separated the sexes crumble, so do the boundaries that protect marriage.

In her book, Not 'Just Friends', Dr. Shirley Glass says, "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I've treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, 'just a friend.'"

From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 percent of the unfaithful women and about 62 percent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work. "Today's workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity," Glass writes.

Today's careers offer more opportunity for extramarital affairs. Group interaction in coed workplaces, frequent travel and long hours create more opportunity and temptation than ever. Glass writes, "all of these changes and others allow individuals to mix freely where once they were segregated and restricted."

Studies published in the American Sociological Review and the Journal of Marriage and Family show that before 1985, divorce rates were about equal among working and homemaking women; however, "between 1985 and 1992, the annual probability of divorce among employed wives exceeded that for nonemployed wives by 40 percent."

New Kind of Affair
A different work environment has spawned a different kind of affair. Glass says the old idea of workplace romance between a powerful company executive and his single young secretary no longer reflects today's office relationship. The new infidelity occurs between peers who first become emotionally attached, having no thought of physical involvement. Men and women who work closely together under stressful conditions can quickly become attracted to each other. They often share interests and think nothing of spending time over coffee or lunch getting to know one another. Nevertheless, lunch between married friends, no matter what their intentions, can have unanticipated and dangerous consequences.

One researcher calls this new kind of affair the "cup of coffee" syndrome. Men and women begin with safe marriages at home and friendships at work. As they regularly meet for coffee breaks and lunch, these relationships develop into deep friendships. Coworkers come to depend on these coffee rendezvous, and soon they have emotional work friendships and crumbling marriages.

Oddly, men and women in these workplace romances believe it is wrong to have an affair. According to Glass, affair partners are usually happy in their marriages and have no plans to leave their spouses. Because of the gradual slide toward infidelity, partners do not pay attention to their behavior until they have already damaged their marriages, and sex is often the last sign that the marriage partner has been betrayed.

Protecting the Marriage
Though today's workplace offers more opportunity for extramarital relationships, it is not opportunity that is causing the workplace to become such a hotspot of infidelity. Healthy marriages must have proper boundaries. "In a committed relationship, a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them," Glass writes. Referring to a particular couple, she adds, "The problem wasn't that they were attracted, but that they began to act on their feelings as if they had no other primary commitments."

Good intentions are not enough to protect a marriage from the temptations in today's workplace, to which both men and women fall prey. It is natural to feel an attraction toward someone of the opposite sex, even in happy marriages. But when a man neglects his primary responsibility and allows himself to act on an instinctive attraction ― even in his thoughts ― he has already violated his marriage vows.

Though many factors can play a role in causing infidelity, it always requires attraction, opportunity, and failure to follow precautions. Glass provides some basic rules to help avoid the new infidelity:

• Don't allow yourself to think about being with another person, because thoughts lead to actions.
• Don't flirt, because it tells others you are available.
• Stay away from dangerous situations, because everyone is fallen and can be tempted.

Positive Friendships, Proper Boundaries
Boundaries should always exist outside the marriage relationship and never inside. One way to make sure that your boundaries are in the right place is to always be accountable to your partner. Use a shared e-mail address and contact each other throughout the day. Be open with your spouse about work friendships, and even invite work friends to your home for dinner. By maintaining openness inside the marriage and boundaries outside, you will help keep your marriage happy and healthy.

Friends can provide great encouragement and accountability in your marriage. All of your friends should be friends of your marriage, too. In an interview, Mary White, wife of The Navigators president, Jerry White, said, "We shouldn't be exclusive in our friendships with our partners. A marriage is strengthened when you have other strong, supportive friendships in your lives." White says she is concerned that too many Christian couples turn exclusively to their marriage for friendship.

No matter what kind of friendships you have, they should always help strengthen your marriage. When couples observe proper boundaries, their marriages are secure, open and comforting. Then, friendships pose no danger. Marriage, like a relationship with God, works best when it enters every corner of life. Secrecy and infidelity are impossible when we are completely transparent within our marriage. This transparency not only protects our marriage from harm on the outside, it keeps our marriage happiest on the inside.

*Martha's Way Vs. My Way*

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt form an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

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Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.

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Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

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Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Buy the lemon or lime juice that is in the little plastic lemon or lime.

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Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

*Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

*Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

*Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

*Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

*Cafeteria Sign*

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

*Too Distant/Too Close*

The showers in my daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"

"Wow!" said my friend, "How much more do you want to know?"

*Lawn Ornaments*

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:

"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."

Cashier reply's:

"That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"

*Johnny In The Garden*

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.

*Trapper's Stove*

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.
What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

*Misquote*

A friend of mine attended a Christian college where the tradition was to deliver a box of notes nightly from the men's' dorm to the women's dorm and vice versa.

My friend would write his fiance a note every night and close it with an inspirational Scripture reference.

One night, he meant to write the reference II Corinthians 5:1, which says: "Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."

Unfortunately, he referenced I Corinthians 5:1, which says: "It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans..."