"LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE LORD"

If you’ve ever read the book of Ecclesiastes, it seems to sum this up in a nutshell. King Solomon was the wisest and also the richest man in the whole world. Yet, he made the discovery, in his life search, that having many beautiful women, all the wealth of the world and partying were useless without God. As a matter of fact, he seemed to look back at his life and resent the fact that he goofed off and strayed away from God, while he was still young. Even in all of his wisdom, he tried to fill the void in his life with other things, but when it came right down to it- He NEEDED God!!!

Ecclesiastes 12:8- Everything is meaningless.

I learned the hard way that nothing I tried could fill that empty space in my life. I was lost and searching, probably like some of you are right now.

Being the youngest of five children I was very spoiled. I had everything that money could buy, but that still didn’t fill the emptiness inside of me. I might have felt good for a short time, but it never lasted. There was a huge hole in my life.

I knew that I was missing something, but wasn’t quite sure what. I didn’t feel important or loved, although I had parents that cared for me dearly.

So, at thirteen I experimented with drugs and alcohol. It was the "in" thing to do. And at least then I was accepted by someone and felt like I belonged somewhere. But instead of feeling better, it seemed like the hole in my heart grew larger and hurt more. I hated to be alone, because then I was sober and more aware of this huge emptiness within me. As long as I was high and with my friends I felt okay, but when I got away from them, I just felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. Now I was more desperate than before.

Soon I began dating guys that were much older than me, and running wild. It wasn’t long after that I started cutting school, stealing, and running away from home. I had grown totally out of control.

My parents were completely devastated. Not knowing what to do with such an unruly child, they began to give me even more freedom and lavish me with more nice gifts.

Despite all their many efforts to keep me home, I rebelled that much more. I ended up hitchhiking across the country with a boy that I fell in love with. Since I had met him, the hole in my heart didn’t feel so bad, at least not at first. He loved me like nobody else had, and I only wanted to be with him.

We lived together out on the open road for about two years. We went from coast to coast, thumbing our way around. We walked through floods up to our waist in Texas, one of the deadliest blizzards in Colorado; not to mention the treacherous hurricane that swept through Florida. Besides all of that, for once in my life, things weren’t just handed to me. I learned what it was like to go without.

Many days we didn’t have a drop of food to eat, and dug through garbage bins just to survive. We not only went without food, but we also wore the same filthy clothes for days and sometimes even weeks without a change. And many nights there wasn’t a bed to lay our heads on. We were lucky if the weather was decent and we could find a vacant park bench nearby to sleep on.

There were other options if you were a homeless individual. The Salvation Army was one of the best places for people without shelter. But in each area, their space was very limited. I can remember waiting in line for hours and still not getting in because they ran out of room. Then they had no choice but to turn men, women, and even small children away.

This began moving my heart in a big way. I knew where I had came form. I had a beautiful home, lots of food, more stuff than I needed, and parents who cared for me dearly. But most of these people never knew what it was like to sleep in a nice comfortable bed or even eat a decent meal. I knew too, that I had made the choice to live out here, where many of these people had only dreamed of having the life that I had left.

What was wrong with me? Why would I choose to be out here? At that time I just couldn’t figure it out. All I knew was that I was searching for something, and I wasn’t quite sure what. I mean, I had everything, so what could it be?

While we were thumbing around the country, we got rides pretty easily. But they weren’t always good rides. On one occasion we were held at gun point by two men.

With a knife held tightly to my throat in the back seat, I was beaten and raped. My boyfriend was in the front seat, unable to move, with a gun to his head. I completely froze, squeezed my eyes tightly, and repeatedly asked God to help us.

Several hours later, we were set free. I thought we would never live through that long day, but somehow we did.

Another time we were invited to a man’s house to stay over night. He looked decent enough and seemed like a nice person, so we figured why not, what did we have to lose? Sad to say, our judgment was wrong. We had a lot to lose. He also raped me and tied us both up, and held us hostage in his home for days. We did escape, but I didn’t know how.

There were a few more tragic things that happened out there on that dangerous road. The fact of the matter is; we shouldn’t have survived through any of it. But somehow we did.

I discovered that those I thought I could trust the most were my own worst enemies. In fact, my boyfriend began drinking and abusing me too. I knew he had been raised around alcohol, but he always seemed unlike anyone in his family. And I just knew that once we were married everything would be different because we loved each other.

At sixteen, with parental consent, I married the love of my life. Before I knew it, the hole in my heart grew bigger and bigger. My husband was at the bar all the time. And then, when he finally did come home, drunken out of his mind, he beat me until he passed out. Afraid to leave, I stayed with him, hoping he would get better.

Suddenly, getting high and drunk all the time didn’t see fun anymore. I did it occasionally just so that I could share something with him, hoping that it would make him love me the way that I had longed to be loved. But the harder I tried, the worse he became. In fact, he beat me so badly one time, I was sure that I’d taken my last breath.

My life seemed so hopeless. I never thought about the future or had any dreams. If I was alive the next morning I was grateful. I wanted, more than anything, just to be loved and appreciated.

Why couldn’t he just love me? Was there something wrong with me?

He had convinced me that I was nuts. Every day he told me how crazy I was and that I was losing my mind. He never had anything good to say and what he said really sunk in to my head. I was worthless, no good, and going out of my mind.

"Who would want somebody like me?" I often thought. I had no self-esteem and I didn’t care about life anymore. I mean, if life is just pain and heartache, why live?

At this desperate point in my life, when I just felt like giving up and like there was no meaning, God opened a door. (In my neighborhood, I was surrounded by church going people, at least that’s what I called them.)

One day, I went across the street to Dee's to use her phone, but she wasn’t home. Another lady answered the door and invited me in. She had a radiant glow about her, something I had never seen in anyone else. A strange chill surged through my body as she shared her testimony about how her life had drastically changed.

It was as if she knew me, because every word she spoke described me distinctly and completely. She saw things in me that I hid from everyone for years. She told me exactly how I felt and knew what I was missing. I wanted what she had! She was happy, exciting, and just glowing with a light that I had never seen.

She told me about a man named Jesus, and how he died just for me. And above all else, that He loved me. When she said those words, I began sobbing uncontrollably and begged her to pray with me. I didn’t want to live another minute with Him.

As she began leading me in prayer, suddenly, I couldn’t hear. Aside from that my eyes grew blurry and distorted. It was like something was covering my ears and eyes. So, in my frustration, I yelled out, "I can’t hear!"

Then after a few moments, I heard her say, still quite muffled and distorted, "In the name of Jesus!" She was repeating this over and over again.

But I still couldn’t hear or see that well, so I started shouting along with her, "In the name of Jesus! In the name of Jesus!!!"

And then all at once everything grew calm. My hearing and sight were restored and then we continued praying together, until I had repented of all my sins and asked Jesus into my heart.

When we finished praying, that emptiness in my heart was gone!

It was like I had a brand new pair of glasses and I could see the world for the very first time. I had never felt so much peace. I realized that I had finally found what I had been searching for all of those years, it was Jesus Christ.

But although I found Christ, my life still remained far from being perfect. I had many hurdles to jump and many mountains to climb.

The marriage I was involved in soon ended in divorce, because my husband was still abusive and didn’t like the fact that I was changing. So, at eighteen, I was, once again, single and free.

The single life wasn’t as easy as I had hoped it would be. Soon temptations took over and I began to stray far away from God. I started going to bars, indulging in sexual sin, and again that cold emptiness returned to my heart.

I continued to go to church week after week. And I sang spiritual songs and even tithed, but I didn’t realize that the sin in my life had created a great barrier between me and the Almighty. The closeness I had once experienced was gone. I felt deserted and alone.

Although I was walking around in a fog, I continued to read the Bible daily. It began speaking severely to my heart. I knew then that my sins had to be dealt with if I was to live close to God. So, I repented and tried to live a better life.

God began to talk to me. He urged me to quit smoking cigarettes. So, on that same day, after church, I crumbled up the full pack of Marlboro's I was carrying in my purse and threw them away. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I learned about God’s faithfulness and His strength during those trying few months.

It says in His word that when we draw close to Him, He’ll draw close to us. (SCRIPTURE)

And that’s exactly what was happening.  I felt full and wonderful again and things began to go good in my life.

I decided to join the church softball team. While practicing, a man from one of our sister churches offered to help me with my swing. He seemed decent and nice enough, although he was a bit shy and quiet. We began seeing each other immediately, and soon we were engaged.

I was thrilled about the opportunity to marry a Christian man, but God firmly and strongly told me that I wasn’t to marry him. I wanted more than anything to be loved and have a family, and he treated me like a queen. So I ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit and the intense feelings of guilt and went ahead with the marriage. I knew I didn’t really love him, but I felt that I could learn to. Besides I figured I'd ask for forgiveness and all would be well, so what's the big deal?

All was well for awhile, this was true. We attended church regularly, read the bible daily, and prayed together. It seemed as though I had the perfect life. I began to fall in love with him and our relationship appeared to be flourishing.

After the first year of marriage, the secrets of this quiet, gentle man began to unfold. I soon discovered that he wasn’t the man that I had thought he was. After seven, long, painful years I realized that the man I had sworn to love and trust was addicted to pornography, an adulterer, and had molested and abused our three children.

God was right. I shouldn’t have married him.

That marriage left scars on me and my children that only God, love, and time could heal. But, instead of turning to God after this dreadful marriage ended, I strayed even farther away from him, thinking that He couldn’t possibly love me or ever forgive me for the bad choices I had made. I knew divorce was a sin, and I was already divorced twice.

Besides, I'd basically been told by my pastor and those in my church  that I should ALWAYS stay with my husband no matter what.

So, I began going to the bar on the weekends and dating all kinds of men. I was having fun, at least when I was surrounded by my friends, but when I came home, my house felt empty and cold. I hated to be there. So, instead of being a good mother to my kids, I hired a baby-sitter and stayed gone most of the time.

During my dating experiences, I hadn’t really met anyone that I would want to spend my life with, but that didn’t matter to me, because I knew it would be a long time before I could trust anyone again.

Then John came into my life.

We began seeing each other and immediately fell in love. But then I found myself in a situation that I thought I’d never be in" unmarried and pregnant.

I didn’t handle this dilemma very well. I was learning to be selfish and I liked it. My youngest child was now three years old and I had just gained back some freedom. And I knew from raising three children, all within a couple years apart, that babies are a lot of work and I wasn’t ready to go through it all over again, at least not without a fight. At this point in my life I wasn’t too sure of anything. I mean the man that I had trusted and loved for seven years betrayed me, so what would happen now with this guy that I hardly even knew.

John was thrilled when he found out I was having his baby. But, I, on the other hand, went into a deep depression. Opting to have the baby, the lingering darkness continued even after he was born. I was easily angered and became violent many times. John was really good through the whole thing and took care of our son. He was a great with me too, and tried to be understanding of my needs as well.

One night when John was taking the three older children to church, they pleaded with him to stay. So, he quickly gave in, happy that they were finally accepting him as their father. That’s the night that he began learning about a Jesus that he never knew. When John came home, later that night, he began telling me everything he heard and how neat it was.

I wasn’t too sure what to think, so I just brushed it off. But, then when we started attending church together, one Sunday morning John accepted Jesus as his savior.

I was still a little distant from God, but now I longed more than ever to have that closeness with Him again. John was changing and I was missing out.

John had asked me to marry him, many times, and had finally given up. So, God began dealing with my heart about our sexual situation, and I finally agreed to get married, knowing that finally I could be right with God and have this ultimate relationship that I had so longed for.

We were married in August of that same year. Everything seemed perfect; I was close to God, he was close to me, and I was finally married to a man that loved me more than anything.

Unfortunately, soon after our marriage, we let sin enter our lives again. We were what you might call "Sunday morning Christians". We appeared to be so righteous on Sunday morning, showing up in our Sunday's best. But the rest of the week we struggled tremendously. It was as if we were living two lives. Out to the bar on Saturday night and up early on Sunday for church. This went on for quite some time.

John and I were also being unfaithful in our finances--doing things we outright knew were wrong. There didn’t seem to be any other way to make it. But God began dealing with me on this too.

I had closed my ears to God too many times before and I was sick of living such a hopeless, shameful life. John and I decided together, that we were finally going to live an honest life no matter what the cost. Although we were scared, we ventured out into the unknown, taking less paying jobs that didn’t seem to be very prosperous.

This is when God began to bless us richly.

Suddenly, our marriage grew closer, our finances were better than before, and we had this incredible peace and joy within, just knowing we were doing right. Miracle after miracle began to unfold in our lives. God began to get a hold of our hearts.

It wasn’t long before I totally gave everything over to Him and decided that I’d do whatever He wanted me to. And since then, which was about eight years ago, he called me into the youth ministry, and then prompted me to begin writing.

Since He called me into the ministry, I've spoken with youth all over the world, led teens to Christ, and have published several short stories and two books.

I’m just amazed at what God has done. And not only has he been working in my life in a mighty way, but He has also changed John’s life and is working in him on a daily basis.

Now we pray together, read the Bible, do family devotions, and live for God on a daily basis, and commit each day into His hands. We raise our children in a loving, spirit-filled Christian home, and our goal is to win the lost to Christ.

Like many of you, I couldn’t believe someone could love me so much as to die for me, especially after all I’ve done wrong. But throughout the years, God has revealed that He was always there, even when I was away from Him. He has kept me safe, fed me, and spared my life, time after time. He loved and cared for me all that time, but I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

Ecclesiastes 12:1- Remember your creator while you’re young.

I, like Solomon, look back on my life and wish I too had put God first, sooner. Because I believe I suffered many terrible experiences and tragedies that could have been avoided if I had surrendered to Jesus earlier in my life. But I don’t regret what I’ve been through, because God had a special purpose in all of it. He has given me a mission to tell of this testimony all over the world. So, He’s used the painful things in my life, not only for my healing, but for the healing of many others, before they take the tragic steps that I once chose.

Eccleasiastes 12:13,14 - Conclusion: Fear God and keep His Commandments.

So, my words are to you. Don’t put God off. Tomorrow may be too late. God did spare me, this is true, but why take the foolish chance. He’s calling you today, won’t you listen. He has a purpose for you. Please don’t live another day without Him.  We don’t know what the future holds, but we do know Who holds the future. Won’t you trust yourself into the Creator’s hands?